and entering

Head & Shoulders Releases “479-in-1 Shampoo," Includes Rocket Fuel, Conditioner

An array of shampoo bottles.
Active ingredients include diesel ethanol, hydrocloric acid, and natural almond oils.
CINCINNATI, OH — Now featured on Amazon Prime Pantry, Head & Shoulders recently rolled out the acclaimed next generation of their two-in-one hair product: The “Four-Hundred-and-Seventy-Nine in One” Shampoo, advertised as “literally all you will need. Ever.” First and foremost, this multi-purpose chemical cocktail includes everything one might expect, including tear-free shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, mouthwash, acne cream, vegetable oil, lighter fluid, water, hydroxychloroquine, a Starbucks Frappucino®, and conditioner.


But this trending toiletry reaches far beyond the confines of the shower. “Thanks to me, grocery shopping has become completely obsolete,” says inventor William Branson. A Harvard graduate, Branson initially designed the product to avoid what he called "Quad-to-CVS walks.” “Run out of milk and cereal for breakfast? Just pour some shampoo on a bowl of shampoo with a glass of shampoo on the side. Don’t forget the shampoo!”


Branson tested the product’s resourcefulness last year on a remote island with one-hundred test subjects, who were left completely marooned with no more than five travel-sized bottles of shampoo. "84 survived, a success! Way better than when we tried this with our Two-in-One stuff.” Twelve survivors reportedly returned from the trial as "reborn" missionaries for the so-called “Church of the Divine Shampoo,” which now has a sizable following in Rhode Island.


Demographic surveys indicate that consumers aged 18-25 primarily use the product at the (now open) night clubs and bars, as the shampoo reportedly serves both as 115 proof alcohol and a bleach injestant. And according to Rolling Stone magazine, Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” has been replaced as the nation’s de facto drinking song by "The Shampoo Boogie," rapped by inventor Branson himself. Better yet, several anonymous sources claim to have seen the Big Bang before their very eyes after smoking a single bong hit of shampoo.


At press time, the shampoo was undergoing phase one of clinical trials for use as a coronavirus vaccine, amid nationwide claims that Branson has finally concocted the "miracle cure."

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