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It’s Not Gay If You Vote for Conversion Therapy, Bro

The only that makes you gay is voting for pro-LGBTQ policies! God!

By Former GOP Congressman Aaron Schock

Yes, I made out with a man at Coachella yesterday. Yes, I have been quietly bringing twinks to my apartment in DC for years. Yes, I spent my anti-LGBT campaign contributions on luxurious late-night dates with young men and overpriced tickets to Katy Perry. But before you pass judgment, just remember one thing: I voted against gay marriage, so I can’t be gay. It’s not gay if you vote against LGBT rights, bro.

Sure, I pose shirtless with gay fitness junkies and have moved to West Hollywood (literally, West Hollywood) since leaving Congress, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that I not only whispered “no homo” to myself after every unsolicited dick pic I sent on Grindr, but actively went on-record to oppose same-sex marriage on numerous occasions. I am not only 100 percent straight, but also totally not gay, dude.

Even if I were gay, which I’m not, why would I have such a long track record of taking rights away from other LGBT people if I were one myself? What kind of mental gymnastics and deep-seated self-hatred would it take to actively work against my own community for just a little influence and money? The kind of self-serving, utterly amoral denial I’d need to be living in for that to be true just proves that I am, beyond any shadow of a doubt, unquestioningly, top to bottom (though I rarely do the latter), straight. Use your common sense!

I’m not fucking gay!

© 2019