WASHINGTON, DC -- In a stunning come-from-behind victory, Joseph Kony, warlord (I-Uganda) and father of 71, has been elected the 45th President of the United States of America. Kony, who had been legally barred from travel to the United States due to his outstanding arrest warrant for crimes against humanity from the International Criminal Court, was unable to campaign himself or fill out the forms necessary to appear on the ballot, but still managed to win overwhelmingly in a low-key write-in campaign.
Randy Patel, a Washington-based political strategist, expressed surprise at the turn of events. “I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry,” a staggering, bleary-eyed Patel told reporters when asked about the election results, “a man whose claim to fame is the abduction and indoctrination of thousands of youths to form Africa’s most fearsome child army is about to become the leader of the free world.” Inquiries as to potential cabinet members in a Kony administration were met with a chortle as Patel proceeded to chug champagne and slam the door in the reporters’ faces.
Elsewhere, celebration was in the air. Revelers attending a Kony 2012 victory party on the Portland State University campus erupted into cheers, chanting the President-elect’s name when the last set of results were reported from Hawaii, indicating a win in that state and giving him a 283-171-84 Electoral College victory over opponents Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. Freshman Sarah Brandt told us that she hadn’t heard much about Mr. Kony until March of this year, when Invisible Children’s “Kony 2012” video went viral. “I didn’t actually watch the video, it was like 30 minutes long or something,” she explained. “But I was so sick of the two-party system that the minute I heard of someone new, I knew he was my candidate.” When asked about her views on the President-elect’s policy positions, she responded simply “he won’t regulate my sex life like the something-crats or raise taxes like the Repub-whatevers.”
Questions about the Ugandan warlord’s citizenship and eligibility for the nation’s highest office were put to rest when it was discovered that a typo in the Treaty of Versailles ending World War I granted Kony’s birthplace of Odek, Uganda to the United States. President-elect Kony gave his victory speech from his secret compound in northern Uganda, flanked by his army of 60,000 child soldiers whom he plans to incorporate into the Secret Service. As of press time, Vice-President-elect Rick Santorum was making plans to sneak Kony into the United States on a Tanzanian-flagged cargo freighter before his inauguration in January.
