and entering

Just What it Was Intended For: Apple’s Measure App Collects Dick Size of Every Man in America

Apple has got its consumers hooked.

CUPERTINO, CA- Since introducing its new Measure app in June, Apple has successfully obtained the dick size of every man in America, a spokeswoman for the tech giant announced on Friday.

“It was quite simple, really,” Kathryn Eiss, Apple’s Chair of Public Relations, told reporters. “We were hanging out in Cupertino just shooting the shit, and Monique from accounting was like, ‘I wonder what the real average American dick size is.’ Well, we put our engineers to work on the project right away, but even we couldn’t have guessed how successful it would be.”

Eiss claims that the data collection process was remarkably quick: over two million men measured their dicks on the first day the app was introduced. Though only about 43 percent of Americans have iPhones, the ubiquity of the product ensured that Apple could collect data on even those men who do not personally own the smartphone.

“If you hand a man a digital ruler, it’s pretty clear what he’s going to do with it,” she said. “Ditto if you leave that digital ruler lying around your friend Mitch’s house.”

Despite rampant enthusiasm from users with penises, some female consumers have expressed misgivings about the app. “I walked in on my boyfriend pointing his phone at his dick yesterday,” Lexi Feldman told reporters. “At first, I thought he was taking a picture to send to some girl, and I freaked out. But then I realized he was just trying to measure his dick...which I’m not sure is better.”

What exactly Apple plans to do with the data it has amassed is yet unclear, though Eiss noted that numerous buyers had expressed interest. The company considered adding a feature that informs men how their unit measures up compared to national averages, but the update did not play well with focus groups.

Building off this success, Apple has initiated the development of an app designed to measure the male ego.

© 2019