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LEAKED: Transcript of the Obama/Trump Meeting

President-elect Trump comes to terms with what he just learned.

Satire V acquired the following leaked transcript of Thursday’s meeting between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump:


DONALD TRUMP: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. Really it’s quite an honor. I’m hoping we can work together during this time—

BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit. Listen, Donald—can I call you Donald?

DT: Oh, uh, I guess? Can I call you Barack?

BO: No. Listen, Donald, you better have a seat. (Lighting a cigarette) Want one?

DT: No, I don’t smoke.

BO. Huh.

DT: …what is happening right now?

BO: Donald, I’ve said a lot of terrible things about you, like how you’re totally unqualified for this office, how you’re an asshole, all that jazz. You said I wasn’t an American, and brown people are evil, all that jazz. But you should know something: I forgive you.

DT: You…you what? Really?

BO: Yeah. (Taking a long drag) I forgive you.

Suddenly, a ghostly image of Donald Trump four years from now walks past the doorway.

DT: What the—was that me? Did you see that? What is going on?

BO: Oh never mind that, Donald. Look, some people think you’re a fascist. Some people think you’re racist. You know this, right?

DT: Yeah I’m pretty racist. But I'm still—

BO: See? We’re making progress. But I think it can all be water under the bridge if you’ll just do one thing for me.

Now several Lizard People walk past the doorway.

DT: Oh my God, what the hell was that—

BO: Let me be clear: Obamacare has to stay Donald. It’s just that simple. Shh, shh, don’t panic. Everything’s going to be just fine.

DT: Am I real? What is real?

BO: I’ll tell you what’s real: affordable healthcare for millions of Americans. Oh, and aliens.

DT: What? Aliens are real?

BO: No, I'm kidding. Aliens aren't real. But that reminds me— it's time for daily prayer.

President Obama takes out a prayer rug and a copy of the Quran.

DT: Oh my—what is going on?

BO: I think you know what’s going on. You've known all along. Get in here, Julius.

A Lizard Person enters the room as President Obama finishes his daily prayer.

BO: Show it to him, Julius.

Julius the Lizard Person hands Trump a piece of paper.

DT: Is this your birth certificate?

BO: Damn straight, and that's the longest form there is.

DT: But this says you were born in Kenya?

BO: Oh I know what it says.

DT: So I was right the whole time?

BO: Well (pausing to take a drag), not exactly.

President Obama peels back his skin, revealing that he too is a Lizard Person. Trump loses his mind.

DT: Mother of God—

BO: God? There is no God. See for yourself.

President Obama holds up a mirror to Trump. Trump sees in his reflection that reptilian scales have begun to grow around his ears.

DT: What have I become?

BO: Come now, Donald, it’s time to meet the press. We have to go.

Trump stares into the distance.

BO: Pull yourself together man! Don’t stare into the void. It only stares back. Say it with me Donald: Big. League. Big. League.

DT: Big…League.

BO: Good, good. So you'll keep Obamacare?

DT: Big league.

BO: Fantastic. (Putting out his cigarette) Let's get outta here.


Image Credit: The Washington Post/Getty Images

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