Following the Pentagon’s historic decision on Thursday to open all combat jobs in the military to women, men in the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force expressed their fear that the presence of women would force them to put the toilet seat down after using the bathroom.

“When I’m on the ground in Afghanistan,” said Army First Lieutenant John McClean, “I’m thinking about whether I loaded my gun, how I’m going to ensure the safety of my forces, if I’m going to come under fire. The last thing I need on top of all of that is to have to worry about whether I’m going to get bitched out for leaving the seat up.”

Apparently, the men’s complaints are not restricted to bathroom etiquette, either.

“What about sports? We’re not gonna be able to talk about sports anymore,” said infantryman Eli Rossman forlornly.

“I like sports…” said Madison Price, an attack helicopter pilot who served two tours of duty in Iraq. “Did you guys see the Patriots’—”

“Yeah, I’m gonna miss sports,” agreed General Bennet Jackson. “And outdoor cooking! Grilling some slabs of red meat with your boys...there’s nothing like it.”

“I actually love a good steak,” said Captain Tanaja Jones. “If you marinate the meat first, it really—”

“Those days are over,” sighed Rossman.

At press time, the men of the military were reminiscing wistfully about the bygone days of Super Smash Bros tournaments and reaching objects on the highest shelf.