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Nation’s Uncles Mobilize For Next Round of Racist Facebook Posts

Uncles unite!

North Charleston, SC—Following the news that North Charleston police officer Michael Slager would face homicide charges following the death of Walter Scott, a coalition of bigoted uncles from across the United States announced their readiness to say hateful things about African-Americans on Facebook at a moment’s notice.

“Man, am I psyched for this,” announced 59-year-old Cranberry, PA, resident Mike Hrbek as he prepared to share his opinion on the popular social-networking site. “I think I’m gonna start it off with a falsified statistic on black-on-black crime and then add in some frivolous puns that mask the deep and enduring consequences of Jim Crow legislation.”

Other uncles have already begun weighing in, contributing healthy material to the nuanced discussions that define social media in the digital age.

"What people don't get is that some people in our society simply have a better understanding of," read one post by Bay City, MI, uncle Dan Fillinger, apparently not understanding that the "enter" key posted the status prematurely.

"Obama (or should I say 'Osama'?) doesn't get it," said Uncle Steve Groger in an echo of his now-legendary Thanksgiving Rant of 2010, tagging the president's Facebook page in hopes of soliciting a reply. After Satire V pressured the Office of the President for comment, it said it did not plan on replying to the poignant status, citing "What are you even talking about?" as its reason for keeping silent.

At press time, after mercilessly denigrating over one-eighth of their fellow Americans, the nation’s uncles still took the time to cheerily invite their relatives to play Candy Crush Saga, reassuring a troubled nation that “it’s not for the points, it’s for the friends.”

© 2015