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New Driver’s License Photo Fastest Cure for Narcissism, Report Psychologists

She won't be so happy when she takes a look at that I.D picture.

TUCSON, AZ- A shocking study by the American Psychological Society has discovered simply taking a new driver’s license photo at the Department of Motor Vehicles cures nearly all cases of narcissism. The results of the double-blind study demonstrated that 98% of previously categorized narcissists no longer met the DSM-V criteria for narcissism merely 3 minutes after viewing the close-up taken in flourescent lighting.

Mary Garcia, the leading author of the study, theorizes that the simple exposure to their true, disgustingly average features almost instantly crushes any narcissistic tendencies.

“Most of our patients in the experimental group spend 4-7 hours a day browsing their carefully curated social media accounts and fussing with their hair in the mirror, leading them to believe they are actually of above average attractiveness. The instant their eyes take in their unaltered lopsided eyes and double chin, the cure begins to take effect” summarizes Dr. Garcia.

The study estimates the cure takes approximately 3 to 5 minutes, or however long it takes the person to flee the DMV to cry in horror at their temporary paper I.D in the car. In case the initial shock was not potent enough, the re-exposure to the photo on the real I.D in the mail after 7-10 business days guarantees the subject will delete all social media, break any mirror in their home, and immediately stop annoying the general public with their self-esteem. 

So far, the cure is providing great results for family and loved ones of the afflicted. "Tom used to make us late for everything by admiring his refection in all the store windows, but now he avoids reflective surfaces like the plague!" Janet Williams, the wife of a former narcissist, enthused "I've saved at least 20 years of my life now that I don't have to drag him away from the mirror every morning!"

Psychologists across the world are putting this promising cure into practice by purchasing identical DMV photo setups for their offices. The ideal distance for consistent results between the camera and the patient’s face can be anywhere from 4 feet away to gaze-upon-your-grotesque-pores-you self-centered-egomaniac. For particularly strong cases, the patient should be instructed to smile without teeth and tuck all hair behind their ears so as not to obscure their egg-shaped head. 

The effects of the cure on non-narcissists was observed to be mostly neutral. As one subject stated in the exit interview: “I already knew I was an ugly fuck.”

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