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New Government Order Strips All Married Men of their Bachelor’s Degrees

Say goodbye to your Bachelors.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joseph Epstein’s Wall Street Journal op-ed questioning Dr. Jill Biden’s credentials, “Is There a Doctor in the White House? Not if You Need an MD'' is causing a paradigmatic shift in higher education. In a new statement issued yesterday, the United States Department of Education announced that all degree-awarding institutions must review the current status of all alumni and revoke degrees from those who no longer fit the title of their degree, or else risk losing their status as an accredited university. This decision means that all men who have been married since their graduation from college will lose their Bachelor’s degree.

Despite claims of misogyny and poor-writing quality from its critics, leading educational experts quickly realized Epstein's op-ed was hitting upon an important and overlooked point. “When an employer hires someone with a Bachelor’s degree, they expect an unmarried man. It is irresponsible of universities to grant degrees with titles that do not explicitly make clear what that degree literally means,” explained a department spokesperson.

According to the statement, women are exempt from the revocations, as “bachelor” is traditionally a descriptor for men, which their college knew when awarding the degree, and chose to do so anyway.  “We see no evidence of foul play there. On the other hand if you are a married male college graduate who didn’t get that ring before senior spring… your alma mater will be in contact in the coming weeks,” read the statement.

Challenges as to the constitutionality of the mandate have already begun in the lower courts and are expected to reach the Supreme Court within the next month. However, the Supreme Court is currently on extended emergency recess as all male judges have been placed on leave pending the completion of their undergraduate degrees.  A decision is expected in approximately nine years, enough time to accommodate the undergraduate education of all male judges, and the medical education of all judges male and female who wish to keep their Juris Doctor law degrees, as well as an additional year to accommodate Chief Justice John Roberts, who has indicated that he plans to take a gap year to find himself first.

At press time, Chris Harrison was found awarding bachelor's degrees to deserving candidates. 

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