FOXBOROUGH, MA – This week, the New England Patriots faced off in a heated match against the Kansas City Chiefs, resulting in a moment where Patriots quarterback Tom Brady throwed the ball real good like.

The action started out slow, with the Patriots mostly throwing, holding, and dropping the ball. The Chiefs remarkably held up against this world-famous three-pronged offense through their innovative defensive strategy of “attack that guy with the tiny waist towel holding the ball”. The action tended to follow a similar “get the ball, drop the ball” model throughout the game.

However, the entire momentum changed abruptly when Patriots running back Damien Harris managed to hold the ball really good. He held the ball so, so good. The Chiefs looked like they wanted Harris to stop, but Harris held the ball all the way into the boxy box at the end of the field, scoring the Patriots their first home run. Harris celebrated by doing a jig and running around in a big loopy loop, which looked like fun.

When asked for comment on the season’s first victory, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick responded, “I’ll give it to you straight: their 47-hut interception juke squib kicks had us worried, but nothing beats the old long snap Marty ball blitz”. According to sources on the field, this translates to “we good at ball.” Following this comment, Belichick departed in order to go scream at one of those tiny convicts with the whistles. 

For the crowd, throwing the ball seemed to be the most popular part, followed closely by catching the ball, with kicking the ball in a distant third. No one put it better, though, than long-time Patriots fan Edna McCarthy: “I liked the part where he threw the ball.”

Next week: Patriots v. Bengals. Keep an eye out for next week’s analysis, which will primarily focus on the quantum mechanical foundations used to model n­-manifold Euclidean space.