and entering

No Matter Who Wins the Election, I’ll Still Be Trapped in This Damn Jar

I'm really salty about this.

Media outlets have been calling this a "historic" election, one that will "change the course of US politics." Frankly, I disagree. Whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump ends up in the Oval Office, I’ll still be stuck in this goddamn jar, just like I’ve been for the past 30 years. 

Now, most pickles don’t have to suffer through this endless purgatory of saline suffering. Most get eaten within a couple weeks of their purchase. But for an unfortunate few, fate isn’t as kind. Turns out, the Smiths are not a pickle family, and after their one kosher dinner party they relegated me to the back of the fridge. Not even the threat of nuclear war could entice the Smiths to rummage through the depths of this frigid hell and eat me.

I’ve seen 8 election cycles, and it’s always the same deal. Presidential hopefuls promise change, progress, voter ID laws. But neither the Republicans nor the Democrats have done anything to get me out of this infuriating contraption. Bernie’s “political revolution” gave me hope that maybe someone out there had the interests of a poor portly pickle in mind, but even he remained silent concerning the emancipation of preserved cucumbers. Alas, no amount of political maneuvering will change the fact that I am a pickle with not even a modicum of control over whether or not I am in a jar. 

And I know what you’re going to say: “You’re just playing the victimized pickle card!” Well, if caring about whether or not this election will free me from the interminable, insidious injustice of my own eternal imprisonment in a silicate receptacle is “playing the pickle card”, then dill me in.

© 2016