Passing $400 million in cuts to N.Y. state hospital funding, practical national hero/sugar father Governor Andrew Cuomo was spotted making small talk with legislators during the statehouse’s Friday happy hour, coolly explaining his coordinates on the political axis quiz he “just took on BuzzFeed.” 

“So essentially, right - let’s calm down - I figured out I’m fiscally liberal, fiscally conservative,” he told frustrated legislators. “The best of both worlds, y’know? A unifier,” he said as he pulled a lever labeled “Margaret Thatcher That Shit” atop the computer printing copies of the state’s FY 2021 budget. “And socially?” one legislator inquired, expecting a different turn of phrase. “No, not socialism. Too expensive,” Cuomo replied.

Later that evening, Cuomo clarified his stance to reporters: “People, it’s a simple calculus. As I said, we continue to test, test, test. Our medical workers on the front lines need all the support they can get, and our patients need to be able to afford care. Yet, we’re losing tax revenue quickly, and there is no source of wealth to mitigate that...except folks fleeing Manhattan for the Hamptons, we don’t really count them.”

Cuomo paused. “Ergo, we slash Medicaid. How’s that for economic wizardry?” He offered a squirt of NYS Clean hand sanitizer. “Here, take some. Cheap, and prison-fresh.”

Seeking to similarly project national leadership, presumptive Democratic Party nominee Biden gaffed via livestream that he was “socially liberal, socially conservative.”