BURBANK, CA--At an appearance on a daytime talk show to commemorate National Coming Out Day this past Thursday, President Barack Obama finally came out as a Muslim.
“I’ve always struggled trying to define myself,” he explained on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to host Ellen DeGeneres. “Back in high school, I always got so uncomfortable when my classmates made fun of the one openly Muslim boy. ‘Should I try to be like them?’ I asked myself. But, in my heart, I knew that one day I would have to embrace my identity.”
The Commander-in-Chief explained that it took a lot of courage to tell his mother and grandparents about his Islam. He was worried that they would be angry, or ignore him, or at worst—disown him. But his fears were misplaced. “My mom, and my grandma and my grandpa, they loved me for who I was, and they accepted me.”
“And that’s the message I want to share today with all of those secret Muslims out there who are worried that if they came out, they would be hated,” continued Obama, tearing up. “The people who really matter—the ones you care about—they’ll love you no matter what. Don’t be ashamed of who you are!”
Nationwide surveys taken after the television airing indicate that Americans were not surprised at the revelation. “I guessed it all along,” said Nebraska resident John McMillan. “I’m telling you, those closeted Muslims are so easy to spot.”
“Honestly, I think today was a bigger deal for the president than it was for the rest of us,” added his wife, Amy. “Don’t get me wrong—I think it’s great that he felt comfortable enough with the American people to openly discuss his religion with us. But honestly, it was kind of obvious.”
Political commentators have expressed concern over what Obama’s revelation will mean to his marriage with the first lady, the Christian Michelle Obama.
“It’s definitely going to be rough going for them these next few weeks, but I don’t think all hope is lost. With some psychological therapy, I think the President can realize the error of his unnatural ways and be healed from Islam,” said Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota, whose husband, Marcus, was present at the Ellen taping.
No foreign leader has commented on the recent developments as of yet. However, the White House has released a statement saying that the president will be joining various Muslim support groups, including the Muslim Brotherhood, which he assumes is a sports and camping club for men who recognize the primacy of the prophet Muhammad.
In other news, Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan held a press conference today to state that he was gay, but only in select cases when the other guy is really, really hot.
