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Oklahoma Bans AP U.S. History, Native Americans Reclaim Land

In the new state of Area-of-Land-Formerly-Known-As-Oklahoma, people of European descent will have to completely restart the process of inequality and disenfranchisement.

Oklahoma City, OK – Following the ban by the Oklahoma state legislature of AP U.S. History in public high schools due to its emphasis on the “negative aspects” of the American narrative, the Wichita and Apache tribes have legally reclaimed ownership of the entire state of Oklahoma. 

Chief OOOOOOOOk Lahoma! of the Apache hailed the state legislature’s move to erase the last 300 years of history in the state of Oklahoma as “shockingly generous” and “a real step backward.” “The native peoples of America have always been acutely aware of the ‘negative aspects’ of U.S. history,” he said. “It’s refreshing to see the state government refuse to let those events continue to repeat themselves by instead pretending that they literally never happened." 

Representative Daniel Fisher, who introduced the original measure—House Bill 1380 (“Before 1830”)—expressed his confusion at the recent dramatic turn of events. “I guess I’m just not sure what happened.” Whether he was referring to the loss of Oklahoma’s statehood or to the nation’s entire history is unclear.

“I was under the impression our forefathers sailed to America,” he continued, “invented Christianity and Democracy, and joined them in holy heterosexual marriage. Then we graciously invited the Apache here from …” at this point the Representative looked down at some smudged writing on his sweaty palm, “… I don’t know, the panhandle? Why do we have that? Who lives there?” he asked, looking around in obvious distress. No historians were available at the time to answer his question, since most of them had already fled.

High school students, teachers, and other non-native citizens of the Area-of-Land-Formerly-Known-As-Oklahoma has been given three weeks to return to their pre-America homes. Chief Wind Comes Rushing Down the Plane of the Wichita wished them the best on their relocation, saying, “I firmly believe that though the trails ahead may be tearful, we will all end up in a better place. Only for you, it won’t be Oklahoma. Probably Boston.” Over the past few weeks, Boston has been repeatedly covered in white, but city officials expressed doubt that an influx of more will cause much trouble.

At press time, Rep. Fisher had yet to pack up his office. “I believe in American exceptionalism,” he stated firmly. “So I want an exception.”

Image source: Wikimedia

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