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Paper Straws Turned Me Conservative

paper straws
Paper straws: the mascot of the alt-right.

by a Millennial Coastal Elite

A put my full support behind the overwhelming majority of liberal policies and initiatives. In fact, there are many times where the Democrats don’t go far enough in pursuing racial, socioeconomic, gender, and environmental justice. But let me tell you one thing that I just can’t come to accept: paper straws. 

Paper straws are definitely well-intentioned, but it’s impossible to get over how ineffective and disgusting they become after two or three sips of a drink. My experience using these virtue-signaling, annoying, and useless straws has led me to switch out of the Democratic Party, or “The Party of the Paper Straw,” as I like to call it, and into the other side of the aisle, which sticks with plastic. 

This all started when I decided to try out a paper straw—the new craze in the environmental movement. In front of me was my beverage of choice, which is a latte in a mug with the words, “Mitch McConnell’s tears” written on it.

The straw started off just fine, serving its purpose with integrity and a zeal for environmental justice. However, around three sips in, things were funky. Rather than the overwhelmingly bitter, powerful, and downright sexy taste I was used to, I tasted hints of something else. Just as it dawned on me that the world was definitely going to end in 12 years, my latte warped into something different, something foreign. 

I pulled the straw out of the mug to see what went wrong, and noticed that the entire section that was previously submerged had disintegrated into pulp. I wondered if it was a defective straw. So I kept going, but this overwhelming need to ditch both the paper straw and the liberal values it represents consumed me. 

Look, I hate the prison industrial complex as much as the next woke millennial, but if that means accepting paper straws, I’m out. I almost spat out whatever disgusting, viscous mixture that was in my mouth, when I realized that Trump voters aren’t racist, but are simply good, God-fearing, appreciators of family values that were cheated by some sneaky Chinese and Mexicans. That makes more sense than paper straws. 

Sip by sip, the importance and sacredness of the military, the failings of identity politics, the evil of fiscal irresponsibility, and the absolute beauty of the unfettered free market awakened within me a passion to prevent change far more powerful than any desire I’ve ever had to incite it. By the time my straw had completely melted into my drink, I was running around my co-op screaming, “America First, bitch!” and chugging the whole thing. 

© 2020