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QUIZ: Are These Quotes Billie Eilish Lyrics or Texts from Your Dad's Mistress that Caused Your Parents' Divorce?

Am I texting your dad or my brother, noted producer FINNEAS? Who's to say

1.     You said she’s scared of me? I mean, I don’t see what she sees but maybe it’s cause I’m wearing your cologne.

2.     Don’t worry. She won’t find out. Your kids are too stupid to notice us.

3.     Every time you talk, you talk about me, but you swear I’m not on your mind.

4.     I’ll meet you in the park. I’ll be calm and collected.

5.     You horny babe?

6.     Call me friend but keep me closer. (Call me back!)

7.     You can pretend you don’t miss me. You can pretend you don’t care. All you want to do is kiss me.

8.     Don’t you know I’m no good for you?

9.     Last night was hot. Hope you’re not too busy thinking about me at work. ;)

10.   Look at you needing me.

11.   Let’s fuck in your kids’ beds while they’re at practice.

12.   I just want to make you feel okay.

13.   Come over baby.

14.   If you need me, want to see me, you better hurry – I’m leaving soon.

15.   I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.

16.   What time does your wife get home? Have a second for me? I want you to fuck me till I can’t walk.

17.   You can’t fight chemistry.


1.     Billie Eilish. Although your mom did find the other woman wearing your dad’s cologne and immediately take out her frustration on you, this is also an iconic line from Eilish’s hit song “bad guy” and is a TOTAL banger!

2.     Woman. This should’ve been obvious, just like your dad’s affair. We’re not saying she’s right, but after six months of seeing the same woman visit your house when your mom wasn’t home, you’d think the little middle school spelling bee champion could put two and two together.

3.     Billie Eilish. The number of times your dad talked about his one hot female co-worker should’ve raised red flags, but this is from the song “all the good girls go to hell.”

4.     Billie Eilish. This one was tough, but it’s from Eilish’s hit single “bury a friend.” Your dad usually cheated on your mom right there in your family house.

5.     Woman. Too easy. Your dad sent this one more than a few times himself.

6.     Billie Eilish. Your dad always referred to the other woman as a friend, but your mom was right to be suspicious. Now your parents aren’t even friends enough to spend Christmas with you together. That said, this is from “when the party’s over,” a certified sad bop!

7.     Billie Eilish. To his credit, your dad tried to call off the affair. That short-lived effort, unfortunately, did not elicit this message, which is also from “all the good girls go to hell.”

8.     Billie Eilish. This one’s obvious. Your dad and his girlfriend had no trouble whatsoever tearing your family apart and ruining your childhood. From “when the party’s over.”

9.     Woman. It’s pretty hard to sing an emoticon, so this is clearly your dad’s girlfriend.

10.  Billie Eilish. Toughie – your dad was a total sub to the woman who ruined your marriage, so this is absolutely in character for her, but this is another “all the good girls go to hell” lyric!

11.  Woman. Remember when the divorce lawyers made you testify in court about the stains you found in your bed? Now you’re old enough to know what they were.

12.  Billie Eilish. Come on, your dad’s girlfriend was never this coy! Just like Ariana Grande, she was a total icon of feminist power: she wanted your dad, and she got him. You can listen to this lyric on Billie Eilish’s banging track “i wish you were gay” while driving to your dad's house every third weekend for his custody time.

13.  Billie Eilish. Okay, this one was hard, but it’s from “you should see me in a crown.” Although your dad sent this message a few times, his girlfriend never had any need to, since she always came to your house for their fuck sessions.

14.  Billie Eilish. This one’s from “listen before i go.” Your dad and his girlfriend never went on separate vacations. In fact, your dad bringing her to Cancun with the rest of the family was the final straw for your mom.

15.  Trick question: this one is from the leaked Jeff Bezos sexts. What a fucking weirdo, huh?? lmao

16.  Woman. This message pretty much sums up your dad’s affair, but it’s a bit too vulgar for 17-year-old Billie Eilish. 

17.  Jeff Bezos, again, but your dad did say this during the final statements of the divorce hearing, too. What a wild coincidence!

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