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Rudy Giuliani Legally Changes Name to “Widdle Baby” to Avoid Prosecution

Sorry, sir, can you spell "Widdle"?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The last few weeks have been tumultuous for the Trump Administration. With the House threatening impeachment and many of Trump’s associates facing jail time, a few of the president’s closest advisors have developed creative solutions to avoid prosecution. Most notably, the politician formerly know Rudy Giuliani has legally changed his name to “Widdle Baby.”

Mr. Giuliani became “Mr. Baby” last Tuesday, following a legal name change at a New York courthouse. His birth certificate, driver’s license, and even the title to his home (a quaint, 2 bedroom cave in the Black Forest from which no wanderer has returned alive) now bear this new legal name. But more importantly, from now on Rudy Giuliani legally must be subpoenaed, questioned, and referred to as “Widdle Baby.”

During a hearing Thursday, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) asked Mr. Baby if he realized that changing his name wouldn’t protect him from any legal consequences. Unfazed, the former New York City mayor began wailing, with his lawyer asking, “Whaaat, you gonna wock up Widdle Baby in big bad prison?” The session adjurned immediately, with Chief Justice Roberts walking outside and smoking his first cigarette in twenty years.

Mr. Baby has also taken to wearing only a diaper and bonnet to House hearings. When asked by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) about his dealings with Ukrainian diplomats, Mr. Baby repeatedly stamped his feet, became distracted by the shiny placard on his desk, and then nodded off. While this is similar to his prior responses as Mr. Giuliani, no one felt comfortable shaking a man named “Widdle Baby” awake as drool dripped from his mouth onto his bare chest.

Though Mr. Baby’s legal troubles are far from over, it is believed that this diversion has bought him enough time to last until Trump fires him over Twitter and he can go live on the farm upstate where Pop-Pop and your first dog Buddy are.

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