WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a press conference yesterday, the District of Columbia Public School system announced a plan to remove controversial, misogynistic school dress codes in an attempt to improve the district’s dismal graduation rates. The intended impact of the decision? To make school more enjoyable for boys. 

The district formerly enforced a strict policy of sending girls home for wearing clothing deemed “inappropriate,” such as sleeveless tops, petticoats more than a nanometer above the knee, and socks that do not completely cloak the ankles, claiming that these items of clothing would “distract” male students. “We’ve had it backward for decades,” commented qualified, woman-loving, former Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. “Instead of sending girls home to keep boys in school, we’re going to permit girls to stay in school to keep boys in school. At last, we’ve found the silver lining of the hypersexualization of women, which is that we can exploit the bodies of young teenage girls to incentivize our male pupils towards academic achievement .” 

Student responses have been generally positive. Sarah Rosenstein, a self-declared “aggressive feminist who heavily craves male validation” reported her inital excitement about the new policy. However, Rosenstein is currently facing suspension over a dress code violation, as she celebrated the policy change by wearing a “Women’s Rights Are Human Rights'' t-shirt. Clothing bearing controversial political messaging is still prohibited by district policy.

Notably, neither grades nor test scores have risen as a result of the change, although morale is reported to be strong among students of all genders. At press time, the district was reportedly considering a transition to a strict school uniform including mandatory #FreeTheNipple Fridays.