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Six Proven Steps for Being Completely Transparent About Lying About Treason

Donald Trump Jr.
Follow these six proven steps, and you, too, will avoid any legal consequences for lying about potentially treasonous actions.
  1. Lying

Before you can reveal the truth, you must first lie about your potentially treasonous exchanges with foreign agents. You can’t ultimately claim to be transparent by Tweeting out smoking-gun emails if you don’t first lie about them for a year (at least).

  1. Keep Lying

Continue lying about any interactions you may have had with Russian agents, and try to get your brother-in-law to keep lying about them as well. Let the evidence ominously build up to seem like a conspiracy before you reveal that, in fact, it actually is one.

  1. Denial

If a major newspaper says they have evidence that proves you’ve been lying, deny it. Nobody trusts the media, and treason is a wild accusation. So if you respond by making increasingly crazy counter-accusations it will seem like you are the one searching for truth!

  1. Qualified Denial

Uh oh, it looks like that major newspaper knows a bit more about your potentially treasonous actions than previously thought. If you have to amend an official statement, go for it. That way, the statement that the media previously published becomes outdated and, technically, false. Now that’s what I call FAKE NEWS!

  1. Having a Major Newspaper Reveal That You Are, In Fact, A Liar

It might seem like you’re in a pickle, but you’re not. A major national newspaper has “the receipts,” and everyone knows that you’ve been lying for more than a year. But you have one more trick up your sleeve, and it’s about to blow everyone’s mind. 

  1. Just Admit It!

When there's an elephant in the room, sometimes you just have to shoot it. Just Tweet all the evidence that the major newspaper’s reporters have spent months compiling, confirming their accusations of potentially treasonous actions. Although you spent months obscuring this apparent evidence of collusion, you’ve now set the record straight: you did it. Don’t even bother denying that what you did was wrong. What could be more transparent than the tacit admission of guilt? They’ll never see it coming, and you’ll be totally absolved of all charges!*

*For now.

© 2017