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Snapchat Stock Disappearing From Portfolios After 10 Seconds

Like Snapcash, except it disappears

WALL STREET — Merely a day after the Snapchat IPO, investors in the popular stock panicked after realizing that all of their shares kept disappearing just ten seconds after their buy orders got filled. 

“Immediately, a little square timer appeared in my E*trade dashboard, and when it hit 0, all of my shares vanished,” area day trader Gillian Tresspie told Satire V. “I screenshotted it before they disappeared, but E*trade support told me it’s not polite to do that.”

 The stock was offered in three variations: Class A (voting shares), Class B (nonvoting shares), and Class Dog Filter (shares that turn your entire portfolio into a cute but entirely worthless digital image of a dog). All classes, however, were impermanent. 

 A frazzled Kyle Vanderbilt, of Fidelity Investments, explained: “So, normally, you’ve got your market factors: supply and demand. And we model prices off that. But the thing is, nobody tells you how to account for stocks that vanish!” Mr. Vanderbilt then snapped his fingers to illustrate the concept of "vanish."

“What about options on those stocks! Do the options vanish? Who knows!?” Mr. Vanderbilt continued, elaborating on the unusual IPO. “What about index funds that include the stock? How about my Bloomberg terminal? Who knows?!”

Mr. Vanderbilt emphasized how exceptional this occurrence was: “My interns—are they going to suddenly disappear?! Who knows?! WHAT CAN I TRUST? This is NUTS! Hahaha! Ha HA! Ahahaha! HA HA HA!” Ultimately, Mr. Vanderbilt was forced to take two weeks vacation, just one of the many unfortunate victims of the Snapchat IPO. 

Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, however, was largely happy with the day’s events. Predicted to only net a few billion dollars, Spiegel ended up profiting nearly $519 trillion before investors stopped re-buying the stock shares. 

The rage over the Snapchat IPO does not bode well for Airbnb's thoughts of going public, as rumors indicate Airbnb plans to let you buy stock only using the wifi connection of someone else’s house.

© 2017