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Squirrels Bury Human Skull Next to Chestnuts

Residents of Punxsutawney are familiar with mysterious
animal behaviors, sharing their town with the veritable Nostradamus of animals,
groundhog Punxsutawney Phil. Commonly referred to as ""the seer of seers and the
prognosticator of prognosticators"" and ""a reincarnated witch from the early
17th century,"" Phil is no longer alone in his mysterious ways.""Oh, everyone thinks they're cute. Not so cute when you see
them carrying a person's head, though, huh? There's more to them than that Miley
Cyrus smile,"" said a local farmer, who asked to remain unnamed out of fear of
retaliation from both the squirrels and the Cyrus family.Squirrels usually prepare for the winter months by
collecting nuts and storing them underground; this year, however, the local
squirrels have also turned to vicious decapitations. Some blame the recent
economic downturn and the decrease in food scraps for the squirrels to feed on.
A recent area poll revealed that 73% of Punxsutawney denizens believe that this
is the start of the apocalypse and they shall someday have to bow their heads to
their squirrelly overlords.""If this is the change that Barack Obama was talking about,
I say ""˜no, thank you, kind sir' to that,"" said Phil Connors, a 15 year resident
of Punxsutawney. ""Worse things could happen, sure. There was a moose around for
a while that would pop up outside of people's windows, just smiling away, for
hours sometimes. Some might say that was worse. But then again, that moose got
shot pretty quick.""Many residents also fear the impact the murderous squirrel
endemic may have on tourism come Groundhog Day.""If this doesn't end by then,"" continued Connors, ""Phil'll
take matters into his own hands, and that's something none of want to see

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