and entering

Tammy Duckworth’s Newborn to Caucus with Republicans

Tammy Duckworth and baby
The baby told reporters that he hadn't read any of President Trump's recent tweets and couldn't possibly comment.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the Senate voted unanimously to allow Senator Tammy Duckworth to bring her newborn, Maile Pearl Bowlsbey, onto the Senate floor, the newborn child surprised onlookers by voting Republican.

Chuck Schumer, the Minority Leader, reportedly pleaded with the child, promising her all the baby formula she could want and a brand new blanket to swaddle in. Mitch McConnell, the Majority Leader, countered with an offer of a separate room from her sister and a tax cut which will take effect after her college graduation.

The latter won her over. “And I just really feel like we need to Make American Great Again,” Maile said. “Big government is not good for our country.”

The child’s first words were reportedly “Reaganomics is the only form of economic policy that has worked."

When not napping, Maile used her newborn status as leverage in voting procedures. She threatened to filibuster votes by just screaming and crying for hours if a bill did not include her provisions (such as a personal visit from Elmo to her office). “You really don’t want to see me if I don’t get my morning Sesame Street,” she commented.

At press time, Maile’s Chief of Staff could be seen frantically looking for a diaper.

© 2018