LOS ANGELES, CA - After Apple Music’s new promotional video “Taylor Vs. Treadmill” was met with a large amount of comments, views, and shares, Ms. Swift decided she needed to reassert her control of the situation – a control which she did not have when sliding headfirst off the moving exercise machine.

Swift, who has trademarked lyrics from her songs including Party Like It’s 1989™ and This Sick Beat™, can now add “treadmill thud accompanied by short cry of pain™” to her list of licensed property, which also includes $200 million, a 10,000 sq. ft. penthouse apartment in Tribeca, a mansion in Beverly Hills, an estate in Nashville, and the words Nice to Meet You, Where You Been?™.  Who says women can’t have it all? 

“The excited response was so unexpected,” said Swift of the video’s viral nature, “I realized how much everyone liked the sound of me falling, and I wanted to make sure I protected the noise so it couldn’t be repeated just anywhere, or, God forbid, end up on Spotify.”  The singer quickly added, “You can quote me on this, but you don’t have permission to use any of the words I just used in the same order I just used them in.  Ever.” 

YouTube user TaylorSwifferSweeper, who had created a mashup of the “treadmill thud accompanied by short cry of pain™” just a few hours after the video’s release received a letter delivered by drone indicating that his account had been suspended.  Swift reportedly signed the letter, explaining that she was “flattered by the imitation, but trying to safeguard her artistic integrity,” ending with a quick note to, “Party Like It’s 1989™!” and a photo of a cat.

In her quest for total auditory domination, Swift recently applied for trademarks on a whole slew of other words, utterances, and sonar vibrations which she claims she created or inspired.  As of press time™, Taylor Swift™ was seen placing red stickers™ on every slogan™, lyric™, and treadmill™ in sight.