and entering

Third Party Debate Ends in Debate Over Where to Hold After-Party

Larry King demonstrates his lip syncing abilities in anticipation of the debate's afterparty.

CHICAGO, IL—Less than forty minutes after beginning, the recent Third Party Debate closed in ignominious fashion, as the four onstage candidates and moderator Larry King argued about where to hold the annual “Third Party After-Party” in the Windy City.

 The argument was sparked when ex-Salt Lake City Mayor and Justice Party candidate Rocky Anderson admitted he hadn’t really thought about any kind of education policy. He then proceeded to use the rest of his two-minute response time to float a variety of viable nightclubs and bars for the party, suggesting Excalibur as his top choice.

At that point, Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson interjected.

 “Oh hell no—nobody’s picking this party spot right now. We’re all gonna vote on it later—besides, the Excalibur is a shit-hole. The Underground is a lot better,” Johnson said.

This led Constitution Party candidate Virgil Goode to butt in.

“Yeah, Gary’s right. We’ll vote on it. But not The Underground—I heard they don’t require a government-issued ID to enter and that their busboys are illegals,” said the anti-immigration Goode.

Feeling the need to restore order, ex-CNN talk show host Larry King raised his voice over the din.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! We’re going to get fucking trashed tonight, doesn’t matter where. Although, for what it’s worth, I’ll toss a vote in for Enclave—I’ve met five of my eight wives there, and you never know what can happen. But we’ve been excluding our final participant, [Green Party candidate] Jill Stein. Where do you want to have the after-party, Jill?”

Stein responded that she didn’t really care, “as long as we all take public transportation to get there.”

© 2012