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US Women's National Team Scores Record 13 in 'Fútbol'/'Football' Mishap

US Women's National Team
Pictured before donning regulation football padding

REIMS, FRANCE – After confusion regarding which sport they were meant to be playing, the United States opened up their FIFA Women’s World Cup with a resounding 13-0 victory over Thailand on Tuesday.


While their opponents resorted mainly to kicking the ball, starting Quarter/Center Back Crystal Dunn threw for over 300 yards and both US touchdowns. Ironically, star striker Alex Morgan missed an extra point kick which would have extended the scoring record even further.


“It was infuriating,” said Thai forward Kanjana Sung-Ngoen. “Every time a pass came my way, an American player would scoop it up and start to run the other way with it in her hands! I got really tired of hearing them shout ‘Fumble!’”


“Watching them dominate like this makes me really want to go out there and play some sports!” said Zach, the husband of US star Julie Ertz. “I’m not really doing much at my job back in Philadelphia right now, so this would be a great excuse to get up off the couch.”


Along with controversy over the extent of the American touchdown celebrations, there were also some close calls the officials overlooked. Although video review is more readily available in FIFA than the NFL, the referees elected not to take a closer look at controversial hand-balls, or a pass interference non-call late in the game that ended a Thailand possession.


“We came into this tournament to play our intense American brand of football, and that’s what our squad accomplished today,” said US coach Jill Ellis in a post-game press conference. “Our defense did a good job limiting big plays, and our offensive line was absolutely electric.”

Although FIFA has said it hopes to prevent mix-ups like these in the future, many teams are concerned the Australian team will use Aussie Rules Football to count each “goal” as 6.

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