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Weekend at Feinstein's

Vacation Island, BM – Diane Feinstein (D-CA), believed-to-be-recently-deceased senator and all-around party animal, has been discovered hosting a shindig at her mansion on Vacation Island in a shocking turn of events. This news follows reports that Feinstein died Friday morning. However, statements issued by her team as well as a photo of Mrs. Feinstein hanging from the shoulders of two young male staffers have thoroughly disproven all allegations.

“Dead? No!!!! Pshhhhh! I’m still going, if my name’s still Diane Goldman Bergman Feinstein, United States senator,” Mrs. Feinstein’s pitched up tenor voice called as her head vibrantly moved up and down. Embracing Chuck Taylor, junior staffer and former president of the Dartmouth Ventriloquism Society, Mrs. Feinstein commented to reporters, “Moments like this make it a lot easier to remember to say ‘yay!’ every now and then!”

Fellow Democratic senators journeyed to Vacation Island to see Mrs. Feinstein, many still reeling from the news of her death. Though Mrs. Feinstein was “feeling ill” and could not personally meet with the senators, Cory Booker (D-NJ) commented that their fears were assuaged when they saw her “waving to them in a vigorously, almost violently enthusiastic” manner from the upstairs window.

Mrs. Feinstein is reportedly enjoying her time away from DC. The former mayor of San Francisco was photographed sunbathing, riding in a golf cart, and enjoying her favorite frozen cocktails, all with her new, trademark dark sunglasses and long, rope bracelets. Her team comments that these new accessories are from an unannounced Zegna line to drop in 2023 and are to act as a reminder of Mrs. Feinstein’s commitment to embracing new ideas over the next 3-12 weeks, depending on the availability of ice and temperature in the Capitol.

Mrs. Feinstein’s survival is being lauded by Democratic members of the House and Senate, who see her leadership as crucial to navigating major upcoming votes. “They just have to keep her...I mean... it together until we can stop the shutdown,” said a shadowy figure that sounded a lot like Chuck Schumer.

“Listen, really nothing has changed except now she’s slightly less likely to wander off,” said Miranda Clare, chief strategist for the Feinstein team, swigging from a flask she said was “cold medicine.” The force ghost of Ronald Reagan, a testament to Star Wars’ prescience, could be seen nodding at Clare and murmuring “goooooooooddddddd....” before fading into the night.

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