and entering

Why the Fuck Did I Drop Out Again?

Did someone change all the rules while I wasn't looking?

Hey America,

You probably don’t remember me. A lot of shit has gone down since we last talked. So here's a quick refresher: I ran for Vice President in 2004 and President in 2008. I really fit the bill: I was white, I was male, and I was generic-looking—like a Kennedy with less defined cheekbones.

But apparently if you have four children with your cancer-stricken wife, and you sleep with your campaign's videographer, and you have a baby with that videographer, and you deny that that baby is yours, and you try to pass that baby off as the child of your campaign aide, and then a few years later you admit that that baby is yours but who even fucking cares at that point because at that point it was 2010, America deems that a “scandal” and you have “no choice” but to “drop out” like an “honorable man.” (Fuck you, Mom!)

Like the rest of you, I woke up this morning as the sobering reality of a Donald Trump presidency hit me for the first time. A reality in which I totally could have been President, dammit! Why the fuck did I drop out again? Did I miss the memo on scandals helping a campaign?

Should I have insulted some Hispanics? Should I have mocked people with disabilities? Should I have suggested banning an entire religion? Should I have had some sex that wasn’t consensual? Should I have called for the deportation of immigrants? Should I have waged war on abortion rights? Should I have named my baby Ivanka? No, not that baby! I would have done those things for you, America! All you had to do was ask!

Anyway, I have to go. I’m meeting up for drinks with Gary Hart.


John Edwards

© 2016