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“You Put What in Me?!?” Gushes Grateful Recipient of Second Ever Pig to Human Heart Transplant

College Park, MD – “Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!” yelled Jim Jerries, enthusiastically, when informed of the moment in surgical history he was now a part of, “Didn’t the last guy die?” Mr. Jerries, age 57, has the unique honor of being the second person in history to receive a pig heart transplant. The procedure, called a xenograft, is one of the many wondrous externalities provided by the status quo of the American medical system. Following the historic procedure, the world is anxiously awaiting (and only occasionally placing wagers on) the outcome of Mr. Jerries’ new, porcine ticker. 

Xenografts are all the rage among chaotic neutral/evil physician types, with many believing that if successful they may help solve the organ crisis this country faces. “Like PCR, the structure of benzene and other significant moments in biological history, successful xenografts would truly revolutionize medical science,” said Dr. Cassandra Orefice, Immunologist at Mt. Sinai-Beth-General hospital, “Except that,this was the only one thought up sober.” 

Staff members at the hospital are sharing the excitement: 

“I mean, organs are the sign of a good Pho place, why should a hospital be any different,” said hungry, sleep deprived resident #33054, her pager shaking her awake.  

“Yep, it’s just a pig’s heart. Nothing special.” Said chief porcine surgeon (head of the deli counter at Kroger), Ralph Anderson, “Essentially it’s a crudité rendition of British food.” 

“Well, that’s what you get for ‘porkin’ a surgeon’s wife,” said Dr. Samuel “The Butcher” Malach, Chair of the Organ Transplant Review Panel wringing his hands: “Muahahaahaha!” 

The pig’s family has declined requests to comment. John C. Flicks, porcine mafia (“Cosa Oinkstra”) expert, commented that this is likely due to the fact that “Real pigs don’t squeal, see!” 

 Chief Outpatient Officer Dr. Sandra Shambles said that Mr. Jerries was keeping a positive outlook, all things considered, while adding soundproofing to the exterior of Mr. Jerries’ room. Her advice to Mr. Jerries? “Keep your head up, stay hydrated, and no need to bother buying milk by the gallon.”

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