and entering

Ancient Papyrus Reveals Last Supper Actually Brunch

A newly recovered scroll sheds new light on Jesus Christ’s final meal on Earth, indicating that it was not the dinner described in the New Testament, but rather a hastily thrown-together Sunday brunch with his Apostles following a night of heavy drinking. The source of the Gospel is believed by historians to be Chad the Younger, Jesus’ former frat brother from the Galilee chapter of Alpha-Omega.
“This is a truly exciting discovery that tells us a tremendous amount about the life and times of Jesus and the importance of breakfast-lunch hybrids in Ancient Judean society.” says James Cohen, Harvard professor of Near Eastern Languages and Civilizations.  “It also means that we’ve been misinterpreting the Bible’s content and proscriptions for millennia. The text clearly states that the original Eucharist was meant to consist of cantaloupe and Sunny D™.” Cohen further added that the “Loaves and Fishes” parable was probably not meant to be taken literally, stating, “In all likelihood, the story was probably only a metaphor for bagels and lox.”
The Christian religion has a long and tortured relationship with the concept of brunch.  The book Leviticus, which forbids observant Christians from engaging in homosexual relations, eating shellfish, and using logic, also rejects brunch as an abomination. Brunch was also a polarizing topic at the ecumenical Council of Nicaea of 325 AD during which early church father Eustathius of Antioch denounced the fourthmeal as “Unholy, heretical, and kinda gay.”  After this time, the story of the Last Brunch was stricken from the Bible and mistranslated thereafter as the Last Supper.
“The discovery of the Gospel According to Chad will have major implications for almost all aspects of the Christian faith, especially the ongoing quest for the Holy Grail” remarked Cohen as he tried to hide the avaricious glint in his eye.  “We should have been looking for a champagne flute with traces of ancient mimosa residue this whole time.”
Once again, His Holiness the Pope refused Satire V’s request to comment, but the Vatican has responded to news of the new discovery by issuing a statement denying the heliocentricity of the solar system.
© 2012