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Annual Meeting of Victors Convene to Write History

Convention organizers did away with name tags early into the tradition.
CLEVELAND, OHIO — Continuing a time-honored tradition that has lasted since the formation of civilization in 4000 BC, millions of Victors from around the world flocked to Cleveland this past week to undertake the annual task of writing history.
"It's a bit of a trip, but I always look forward to the annual convention," said Victor Thurgood of Orlando, Florida, who takes a week's vacation from his regular job of dolphin training each year to scribe the latest developments in Middle East politics for eternal posterity. "I've made some lifelong friends while typing up notes on the Syrian refugee crisis that will become part of the historical canon for generations to come."
"Plus, the food is great," added Victor Chen. Chen, a dental hygienist from Toronto, Canada, is responsible for updating global primary source material on Madonna and ketchup. "Mm, canapes."
The convention, in addition to boasting the impressive accomplishment of defining humankind's collective knowledge of the universe since the beginning of time, has had many noteworthy delegates in the past. This year, the event honored one of its most distinguished alumni: Victor Hugo, the famous 19th century novelist whose chronicles of revolutionary France are today popularly referred to as "that one where the guy steals bread and everyone is sad. Also singing." Less widely known is the fact that Hugo was a prolific contributor to the annual convention, authoring no fewer than 597 historical facts on succulents.
At press time, several Victors expressed both sorrow and relief that that the event was coming to an end. "I'll definitely miss the energy of this place," said Victor Silva, a licensed tree waterer from Brazil. "But to be honest, I'm also excited to stop making any more editorial decisions on how the escalating threat of nuclear conflict between American and North Korea will unfold, at least until next year."
© 2017