and entering

Benedict XVI Resigns Over Hitler Youth Hoax

All a hoax.

VATICAN CITY—In a shocking turn of events, Pope Benedict XVI has revealed that his resignation is due to a group of cardinals discovering that contrary to his claims, Benedict never served in the Hitler Youth as a boy.

“His Holiness knew that he would never be granted the opportunity to serve as the Servant of the Servants of God without some form of Hitler Youth experience on his record,” said Benedict, who was known as Joseph Ratzinger before his time as Supreme Pontiff. “So His Holiness exaggerated a bit.”

Cardinal Karl Josef Becker, one of the key figures in uncovering Ratzinger’s deception, applauded the resignation.

“You can’t properly lead millions of people who fervently act on all of your declarations if you’ve never had experience with one of the Big Three,” said Becker, referring to Hitler, Spanish dictator Francisco Franco, and American television personality Bill O’Reilly. “It’s one of the key requirements we look for when electing the next pope in conclave.”

Defenders of Benedict XVI have argued that his actions as pope more than make up for his lack of involvement in a paramilitary organization for the political party responsible for the Holocaust.

“You look at his nonchalant response to the sex abuse scandal, you look at his unwillingness to support condom use to prevent AIDS in Africa, his intolerance toward LGBT groups—this is clearly a man who understood what the Führer was trying to get across. I don’t see why it matters whether he was actually in the Hitlerjugend,” says Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo. “I mean, he even met with Fidel Castro. He’s proven again and again that he’s qualified to lead the Catholic Church, and I think that this time, we should’ve let the past be the past.”


© 2013