and entering

Benedict XVI to Throw End of Papacy Rager

"Can I get a quid-quid?"

Following his resignation on February 28th, Pope Benedict the XVI will host a multi-million dollar function, to be known as “The Pope-a-palooza MMXIII,” in celebration of the completion of his pontificate. The event will feature solemn reflection, group prayer, and cake strippers. The pontiff will be sporting, for one last time, his famous papal accoutrement, informally known as the “Pope $wag.” Included in this ensemble will be the triregnum, or papal crown, the ferula, or papal staff, and Benedict’s beloved red Prada shoes, which he himself refers to as “My Lid,” “Da Pimp Cane,” and “My Kicks,” respectively.

            Cardinal Francisek “The Mack” Macharski told reporters “I seen my boy the BeneDick make like Our Lord and Savior and raise a party from the dead, yo. This ish is gonna be iller than a leper colony. My boys in Conclave are gonna tear it up too; they don’t call it the College of Cardinals for nothing.”

            The last Pope-a-Palooza, which occurred shortly after the conclusion of the Albigensian Crusades in the thirteenth century, was marred by Pope “Not So” Innocent III’s overconsumption of Communion wine and subsequent burning of a peasant woman who repudiated his inebriated advances.  As a precaution against further tragedy, security checkpoints manned by Swiss guards are being set up at all entrances to the Vatican, which the pope has declared “The Splash Zone.”

            Benedict, known to his homies as “J-Ratz,” rolled up tough to a press conference in a Pope Mobile currently being retooled as a massive automotive keg. “It’s gonna be harlots on harlots on harlots up in this Bascillicizzle. And y’all KNOW I’m hung like St. Andrew. That is to say, at weird angle.” His Holiness followed by offering several hundred lucky women of the press corps the chance to attend the extravaganza, bearing the title of “Official Papal Biddies.” Admittance to the party will be determined on a strict ‘Breasts or Remove Thyself’ basis.


© 2013