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Brexit Summary: Boris Johnson Gets the Snitch but the EU Wins

Will Johnson catch the snitch?

LONDON- Audiences who have been following the Brexit news will be stunned by this latest revelation: Boris Johnson is chasing the snitch, which will give his team 150 points, but ultimately hand the win to the European Union. The final score as it stands is 10-170, Europe.

Johnson is flying through the air-- desperate to catch up to the snitch. Weaving past his own MPs and Europe's keeper Macron, he's chasing the snitch all around the field. His team stands by, head in their hands, as they watch their seeker ruin their best chance. Johnson’s team has gone through a lot in this game. After their previous captain Theresa May started by kicking off Article 50, MPs on the field were hesitant. A snap election divided the field, and ultimately May was removed after a injury by a bludger from her own team.

Johnson’s strategy has been markedly different than May’s, seemingly to just throw bludgers at anyone around—even those on his own team. Referee John Bercow could be heard yelling “ORDER!” just about every time Johnson made a move. Dobby and Winky even tried to interfere themselves, bewitching his broom to fly all over without control. Madame Pomfrey has been kept quite busy with all the injuries. Dementors even invaded the field at one point, forcing worried Brits to stock up on chocolate from Switzerland and Belgium and other items imported from Europe before the end of the game.

In a move called “The Backstop Banshee,” MPs on Johnson’s own team submitted his plays for review to the Supreme Court—who ruled them disqualifiable. Now, Johnson is struggling to rally his troops. The snitch has even disappeared— reports tell us is has flown to Ireland and is currently stuck in a border check.

Oh— and out of nowhere Johnson can be seen shooting to ground! He’s seen the snitch! He’s racing after it, close behind. And— I do believe he’s swallowed it! This means the final score is 170-160, Europe. Let’s see— it seems Johnson’s arm has broken. Professor Lockhart is right on it, using his skill to turn the bones to jelly. And what’s this?

The snitch has opened! Inside is a piece of paper that reads “No Deal Brexit.”

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