Area officials are reporting that in absolutely every single city there is someone guilty of something. Police report that droves of everyone are flocking to police precincts to admit their wrongdoings.

 Experts speculate that the rash of confessions may have been influenced by the spike in myriad admissions of guilt put forward by famous public officials over the past 15 years. Possible contributors include Bill Clinton’s extramarital blowjob, John Edwards’ extramarital baby, Kristen Stewart’s cuckolding of Robert Pattinson, Silvio Berlusconi’s life and times, and Lance Armstrong’s revelation that he couldn’t actually ride a bike. Perhaps the icing on the cake was when the Pope admitted that he just wasn’t feeling it anymore.

 In light of these public self-shamings, it appears that everyone has been inspired to admit their guilt about everything. Complete moral transparency is sweeping the nation. That weird gas station cashier lady with the beard was reported to have blurted out to every single customer, “I’m sorry I just looked at your boobs!” regardless of their sex. A man that ordered water at a McDonald’s and instead got Sprite jumped off a bridge, but not before alerting local authorities. George W. Bush admitted that he didn’t even know Iraq was there until troops were sent. Best friends everywhere are finally telling their counterparts that they’re actually in love with them and please love me back. Dogs are admitting that it was actually them that pooped there.

 Researchers at Cambridge Community College have spent the past few months trying to figure out why everyone is coming out as guilty of everything- and they stole that kids’ tuition and they’re sorry. Surveys conducted found that everyone believed that it was important that they publicly admit that they were guilty of everything, because if everyone didn’t admit absolute guilt, then who would? Said one researcher, “If we can’t all tell everyone that we’re all morally repugnant, then something is seriously wrong.”

EDIT: Following publication of this article, the planet Earth finally admitted that it smokes weed.