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Following Coup Attempt, Cuba To Sanction America

Cuba is stepping in.

GENEVA — Following reports of unrest and agitation in the wayward state’s capital, The Republic of Cuba announced that it plans to levy economic sanctions against the United States of America. The move, which came at a meeting of the UN General Assembly, has been hailed as a regrettable but necessary step by the international community.

“Developing democracies deserve a steadying hand,” said Organization of American States Secretary-General Luis Almagro in a prepared statement. “We have carefully reviewed this package of banking restrictions, embargoes, and blockades, and are fully confident that it complies with international law.” The Inter-American Commission on Human Rights declined to challenge the decision, though it denied having been pressured by threats from Havana to cut funding to the organization.

Despite warnings that the sanctions could dangerously limit access to food, medication, and other essential goods for the nation’s least well-off, while leading to increased political hostility and instability, Cuba appeared undeterred: “While unfortunate, the nation’s recent slide towards strongman authoritarianism makes this decision an unavoidable one,” opined a leading newspaper Friday morning. “As democracy experiences a setback in America and across the first world, it is our duty and responsibility to intervene in the interests of freedom and liberty.”

As of press time, the Cuban government was reportedly examining intelligence that the United States was covertly deploying medium-range R-12 missiles to Florida.

© 2021