STRASBOURG, FR -- German historians revealed Sunday that Johannes Gutenberg, famous for his eponymous Bible, printed around a dozen copies of another text as well: his personal revision, the Straight-ble. This revision attempts to render the text without, as Gutenberg writes, “all the gay stuff.” 

“It takes out the whole thing with David and Jonathan, obviously,” says one historian, “because there’s no hetero explanation there. I mean, what exactly was the ‘covenant’ those two made with each other while hiding from their parents? It also takes out every mention of ‘the disciple who Jesus loved’ and replaces it with ‘the disciple who Jesus was homies with.’ And Gutenberg added in a girlfriend for Jesus just to really drive that point home.” 

Fundamentalist Christian groups today are already protesting the Straight-ble’s wider circulation, making claims that it desecrates their sacred text to be associated with such flagrant heterosexuality. Signs and billboards across Europe and America now sport the slogan “It’s Paul and Silas, not Paul and Samantha,” and spokesmen for local churches have voiced their concern for the stability of the Christian faith in the wake of this publication. 

“If we let Gutenberg do this to the Bible, what’s next?” one spokesman demanded. “The King James Straight-ble? Are we going to just forget about the Duke of Buckingham and pretend King James was straight now?” 

After a short and lackluster bidding war, Harvard University has purchased the Straight-ble to display alongside its Gutenberg Bible in Widener Library. A university spokesperson called the purchase a “demonstration of Harvard’s commitment to inclusivity” and asserted that “it’s about time the straights got SOMETHING out of Christianity.”