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Hogwarts Threatens to Relocate to London

The Wizarding School, founded in an independent Scotland in the 10th century, has vowed never to return to those dark times. Mostly because it reminds them of when Helga Hufflepuff was still alive.

Hogsmeade, Scotland—In what has been perhaps the school’s most political move in over a decade, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry released a statement this Wednesday advocating for Scots to vote ‘no’ on today’s independence referendum. “Should the country not wish to die a most painful death,” Headmaster Albus Dumbledore said, “it would do well to remember its place.” Halting words from the usually peace mongering Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot come just before Scots head to the polls to decide who they really are.

Dumbledore’s reasoning for issuing the strongly worded statement has been painfully short and vague. Said the wise mage, “Tax laws.”

Toward the end of his statement, Dumbledore made a threat unprecedented in the annals of history of the wizards of the Great Britain: should the Scots vote for independence, all of Hogwarts would be moved to London. Details are now coming in as to just exactly how the school would achieve this feat. Intelligence reports that Filius Flitwick, Charms Professor at the esteemed magical institution, was named chief manager of the project, with grand designs of using the Levitation Spell, “Wingardium Leviosa” to move the entire structure. Flitwick is planning a coordinated effort by thousands of wizards standing in the same place and holding the spell while slowly walking the approximately 450 miles south to London. “It’s a tricky plan, but definitely doable! Of course the Black Lake will have to be left behind, and possibly also Hufflepuff” the professor told reporters late last night.

With such big plans on the horizon, there is much controversy among Scots about the decision. While some Muggles in Scotland are in favor of ridding the highlands of these strange spellcasters, Scottish officials have reportedly offered Albus Dumbledore “whatever we can give him, even if the Scottish crown,” to keep what they believe to be Scotland’s only enduring chance at a sustainable tourism industry. Of course this has been these officials’ fatal flaw: if they knew anything about Dumbledore, they’d know that he doesn’t want power, and that in the fifth book it was described that he blatantly refused the position of Minister of Magic.

Whatever the case may be, Albus Dumbledore is not one to trifle with. The Scottish government would do well to heed his threat.

© 2014