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I’m Not As Bad As Global Warming

Look, it's me as a polar bear! I made it in Photoshop. Save the polar bears! (Also Death to America!)

Dear America,

Please read this. I know you guys don’t like me, but we have to work together. It is widely known that I hate America, but you should know that I love polar bears more. I know I’ve killed a lot of people-- but have you heard that more than 20,000 polar bears have died from climate change? I swear, America, I'm not as bad as global warming.

We can’t sit around watching all these polar bears die. We’re terrorists, not sociopaths! I mean, come on America, al-Qaeda divested from fossil fuels years ago. We re-use, recycle, and reduce America to rubble. We even have a communal garden!

There is a Chinese proverb that goes something like, “The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, the next best time is today, and the third best time is after America is wiped off the map.” You guys said you didn’t like chemical warfare. Well, trees help get rid of green house gasses!

Remember to sort your recycling-- the only thing that should be going into landfills is democracy and capitalism. That being said, Americans are biodegradable and make a good fertilizer.

So I reiterate, I’m Osama Bin Laden, not the Koch brothers. I'm also just obsessed with polar bears. All of this and more leads me to my final point regarding the presidential campaign. I would like to announce my endorsement of Senator Bernie 'The Jew' Sanders, the only nominee who has a comprehensive plan to tackle global warming. Also, Bernie will slowly destroy the American economy, and I will rise from the dead and make sure Americans are #FeelingTheBurn!

Death to America,

Osama Bin Laden

P.S. I attached a photo of me as a polar bear. Cute!

© 2016