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Insecure Teens Rejoice as Face-Hiding Becomes Commonplace

Should I...model???
SELF-ISOLATION, USA—Insecure adolescents the world over are now celebrating COVID-19’s unexpected silver lining: with the newly widespread use of face masks and respirators, they can now participate in polite society, unabashed and unhindered by their average looks.

The global pandemic has afforded the teens an unprecedented opportunity at radical self-acceptance. “Now that I can hide my face without looking like a lunatic or a hypebeast, I feel like I can finally start living,” mumbled Asher Fincham through a thick, woolen balaclava which would have drawn stares at any other time. “How can they expect me to socially distance myself when I can finally go to Publix without having to coat my face with Wite-Out?”

Indeed, the triumphant adolescents have largely skirted the recommended self-isolation, preferring instead to maximize interaction with strangers at every opportunity. One masked teen, hideous Hannah Price—apparently empowered by her newly normative state of concealment—was recorded gleefully washing her hands in the women’s restroom for upwards of two hours, locking eyes through the mirror with as many strangers as possible. “IS THIS WHAT BEAUTIFUL FEELS LIKE??” Price reportedly demanded, frenziedly pumping at a long-empty soap dispenser. 
At press time, the World Health Organization denounced the previously self-conscious teens’ newfound confidence, declaring that the global spread of COVID-19 had been disproportionately spurred by their furious, face-maskèd fucking. 
© 2020