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Iran, U.S. Establish Framework for Splitting Check

Negotiators also discussed splitting Iran's dessert: a dark chocolate lava cake that "oozes chocolate as dark as oil."

Lausanne, Switzerland—After years of contentious negotiations, Iran and the United States, along with five other powers, have established a potential framework for the outline of a possible means of splitting the check after they shared a meal at a D.C.-area Olive Garden.

“This truly has the potential to be a historic day,” said US Secretary of State John Kerry. “After two years, we have decided that we will probably use Venmo, unless the waiter can make change for Iran’s $50 bill.”

Kerry’s Iranian counterpart Mohammad Javad Zarif celebrated the potential deal, saying “Thank God. The U.S. almost made us pay the whole bill since we only had a fifty, and frankly that would have just crippled us.”

The other world powers sitting at the table also expressed relief.

“Germany only spent $4.23 at dinner, and we were going to put in $5, but then we would have lost 77 cents. And you can’t ask for change, because that’s just not cool. But with Venmo, I save that 77 cents," said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. "That stuff adds up, you know."

Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was "glad to see that Iran found a way to split the bill, because I didn't want this to end like Easter brunch with Ukraine two years ago."

© 2015