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Loch Ness Monster Still Undecided About Scotland Referendum

The Loch Ness Monster was reportedly visited by British PM David Cameron himself on Tuesday, but it was revealed that the visitor was actually Bigfoot in a human costume.

Loch Ness—Despite an abundance of misleading rumors and myths, the Loch Ness Monster is, indeed, still in the process of deciding whether to vote “Yes” or “No” on the referendum for Scottish independence.

           “I see both sides, I s’pose,” says the lake creature, whose first documented appearance is recorded in the 7th-century manuscript The Life of St. Columba. “Certainly, there’s a compelling argument to be made that Scotland as we know it will lose significant economic viability. On the other hand, though, no one around this loch likes the English.”

           The monster, affectionately known as “Nessie” (“I’d prefer it if you called me by my given name: Alfred,” he interjects) shot to fame after being rediscovered in the 1930s and subsequently starring as Eeyore in Disney’s Winnie the Pooh film series. However, overwhelmed by his newfound fame, he became a recluse, only appearing every few years or so to sign a few autographs and eat a child.

           The referendum, to him, then represents much more than political change: it could mean a whole new way of life. “I am wont to think that the first question is whether or not I’d even be considered as a member of the body politic,” he muses. “Admittedly, I do pay taxes, but I have never registered as a voter, per se. In my old age, though, I greatly rely on the services provided by Scotland’s extensive National Health Service, and I wouldn’t want to see my care threatened either by a Tory government in Westminster or by an independent Scottish parliament without sufficient funds. You see my dilemma, I gather.”

As of press time, the ancient lake-dweller was seen frozen in a voting booth, unable to mark his vote because his lack of opposable thumbs made it impossible to hold a writing implement.

© 2014