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Nation Runs Out of Thoughts and Prayers

Americans, like the one pictured here, contemplate how they can prevent global terrorism.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—In light of today’s terrorist bombings in Brussels, Belgium, Americans have officially run out of thoughts and prayers.

“It seems I’ve used them all,” said despondent Dallas, Texas native Frances O’Sullivan. “After sending so many to Ankara last week and the majority to Paris in November, I found myself unable to send my thoughts and prayers to Brussels via social media today. It just wouldn’t work,” she added, the collective weight of human sorrow visibly weighing her down.

Millions of Americans have experienced a similar problem as, drained of their last ounces of heartache and their final condemnations of senseless violence, they tried and failed to send thoughts and prayers online. “I was only able to offer this simple gesture of solidarity in times of trouble, and now I can’t even do that,” said Melbourne, Florida resident Aaron Velasquez through an undisguised sigh. “I guess I could also write a letter to my congressperson, but at that point what am I really doing?”

In the hours since the tragic bombings, scientists have struggled to explain the thoughts and prayers phenomenon. Prof. Gillian Thomas, an expert in human behavior at the University of California, Berkeley, offered one possible reason. “Well, it seems to me that there is almost nothing people can do about these tragedies, and they happen so frequently,” said Thomas, clearly realizing her own incapability. “In my expert opinion, we just ran out.”

In the absence of thoughts and prayers, Facebook users have signaled empathy via the “sad” emoji. However, at press time, it was reported that Facebook’s engineers were working on a more nuanced “I sympathize with the victims of this tragedy and with their families, and also with the victims of terrorism—which has no basis in Islam—in all countries” button.


Image Source: Flickr

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