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The Only FOMO I Have is the Fear Of McLimate O'Change

ice melting
What Canada will look like in 20 years

Sharks. Heart Disease. An elderly clown fellating a banana in the Cambridge Queen’s Head Pub. I cannot deny that these things are frightening. But has your measly primate brain grasped for a singular moment the fact that the entire planet will literally die in a generation or two? Forget missing out; the only FOMO I have is the fear of McLimate O'Change. 

So no, I do not know if Sam is throwing a party in Eliot G44 and I do not know why he didn’t invite you. Nor do I care, because there is a literal raft of garbage thrice the size of France floating in the Pacific as we speak. I am more than willing to skip Jeff's Guinness-only Pong Tourney on St. Patty’s Day, because the only Irishman I’m concerned with is a little guy called McLimate O’Change. (It’s not a real name, fuckwad.)

Of course I can understand the fear that your classmates are having amazing experiences without you. But more importantly, I can understand the fucking news, which says that there will be terrible food shortages, wildfires, and massive coral die-offs by 2040. What I cannot understand is HOW AREN’T YOU SCREAMING. WHY ISN’T ANYONE SCREAMING?

You know Canada, right? I know it as the place with the ice and the maple syrup and my weird aunt Cynthia’s boy toy. Well if the global temp rises half a degree more there will be no more arctic ice. Canada will be warm enough for Ryan to beatbox Cynthia’s clit in broad daylight, which would terrify me to my core were I not already terrified for the literal survival of our entire fucking species.  

The only other FOMO that could give this one a run for its money is the one of Mecha-Octopus. But at this point, even His Grace the Count Octobot wouldn’t phase me next to climate change.

© 2019