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Pakistan Intelligence Chief Caught in Compromising Position with Head of Taliban

Unlikely Bedfellows: Mullah Omar (left) and Lt-General Islam (right)

Lieutenant-General Zaheer ul-Islam, the director of Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), was yesterday discovered in a compromising position in his home in Islamabad with Mullah Mohammed Omar, the spiritual leader of the Taliban. The incident puts additional pressure on the Pakistani government, and in particular, on the ISI, which has been accused in the past of having links with terrorist groups in the region. As one Western diplomat in Pakistan put it, “We knew after bin Laden was discovered in Abbottabad that the ISI must’ve been close to the Taliban, but nobody suspected that they were this close.”

The pair were discovered by a stripper who says that Lt-General Islam had hired her for “a Star Wars themed evening of fun,” but that she fled the building immediately to report the news after she recognised Mullah Omar. “I arrived in my Chewbacca costume to find Lt-General Islam tied to his bedpost screaming ‘Give it to me like you gave it to the Soviets!’ while Mullah Omar yelled ‘I’m going to sacrifice you like a goat on Eid.’ As soon as he saw me, Lt-General Islam struggled free of his bonds and declared that there were no members of al-Qaida or the Taliban in Pakistan,” the visibly shocked woman, still in her Chewbacca costume, told reporters.

The Chief of Staff of the Pakistani Army, General Ashfaq Kayani, held a press conference in the aftermath of this potentially embarrassing incident, reiterating the government’s official stance by stating, “the media should ignore this baseless account from an unreliable source. The Pakistani military condemns all forms of terrorism, and we reiterate our commitment to the War of Terror… sorry, I mean War on Terror. We hate terrorists and all that they stand for.” However, reporters remained baffled after a tall bearded man stood up sobbing after General Kayani’s statement, and shouted “I thought you loved me Ashfaq!” before storming out of the room. 

© 2012