and entering

Runner Who “Set The Olympic Stadium On Fire” Arrested For Arson

Farah, pictured moments before igniting thousands of screaming fans

RIO DE JANIERO, BRAZIL — As the Olympics continue, spectators are heralding the decision to apprehend British distance runner Mo Farah after it was alleged by commentators that he “set the Olympic stadium on fire” during his performance.

Concerns were initially aroused after Farah was clocked at four minutes and three seconds for the last mile of the 10,000 meters final, provoking terrified screams from spectators, but it was only once commentators directly accused him of arson that the authorities became involved.

The incident marks the latest in a string of criminal offences alleged by broadcasters during the games, beginning with swimmer Michael Phelps’ imprisonment for cannibalism after NBC announcers accused him of “eating [his opponent Chad le Clos] alive” during the men’s 200 meters butterfly. Despite her joyful appearance, Puerto Rican tennis gold medallist Monica Puig has been charged with psychological abuse, after reporters claimed she “crushed [her fellow competitor’s] will to live” in the third and final set of her gold medal match.

Perhaps the most horrifying though, were the crimes of Brazilian shooter Felipe Wu, after he “drove a spike through the heart” of his opponent, before finally “putting him to the sword” to progress through his semi final match.

At press time, swimmer Ryan Lochte - who this week was robbed at gunpoint in Rio - said “the events unfolding at the Olympics have been enough to make your hormones spike to quite remarkable levels,” suggesting that perhaps the IOC had refused to acknowledge the robbery because they felt the spectacular crimes perpetrated by some athletes were more worthy of investigation.

© 2016