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Scotland Rejects Independence; Alex Salmond Drawn and Quartered

A Court Artist's depiction of the trial of Alex Salmond.

     Tower of London, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland – With Scottish voters having decisively voted “No” in the long anticipated referendum on independence, Scottish First Minister and leading independence advocate Alex Salmond has been transported in shackles to London and ritually disemboweled by members of the Queen's household guard. 

     "This is a proud day for the United Kingdom and for the Scottish people," said British Prime Minister David Cameron as he removed his leather face mask and wiped his brow with a damp, red handkerchief.  "I am thrilled to report that, going forward, our great nation will remain decidedly intact.  The same, however, cannot be said of Mr. Salmond." 

     Dating to the mid-fourteenth century, drawing and quartering has been a punishment traditionally reserved for acts of high treason against the monarchy.  Victims are typically cut into four pieces (five including the head) which are then displayed prominently across the realm as a warning to other would-be subversives. 

     "That's precisely why I didn't get involved in all this independence nonsense," remarked Glasgow resident and pro-union advocate Simon MacDougall.  "The stakes are just too high.  I mean literally...they put your head up on an eight-foot spike for everyone to gawk at."

     In an exclusive post-referendum interview with Satire V, Queen Elizabeth shared her thoughts on the independence vote over a celebratory late night dinner of traditional Scottish fare.  "We are pleased that the Scots ultimately made the correct decision and we will not hold this incident against them as we move forward together.  Nevertheless, the instigators had to be punished," remarked the monarch as she fed scraps of a peculiarly colored haggis to her retinue of Welsh Corgis.  "Mr. Salmond was delicio…uh…delirious if he thought he was getting off scot-free." 

     Those present at Salmond's execution claimed that he desperately but futilely pleaded for leniency in his final moments, fully renouncing his pro-independence stance.  The minister's screams of "better together" were interpreted by onlookers as a last minute endorsement of the pro-Union position.

© 2014