and entering

Syrian Civil War Stops

Bashar al-Assad thinks wistfully of the days when he, too, could dance like he was 22.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—In a development that baffled international observers, the ongoing conflict between Ba’ath Party loyalists and the rebel Syrian National Council stopped suddenly at 12 a.m. ET on October 22, 2012. The war, which has so far claimed tens of thousands of civilian lives, was expected to continue as normal this week, given the absence of ceasefire negotiations between embattled president Bashar al-Assad and the rebel coalition.

However, while media organizations such as CNN and The New York Times had no explanations for the sudden stop in fighting, it failed to come as a surprise to those involved in the conflict.

“How is anyone supposed to listen to [American country-pop artist Taylor Swift’s new album] “Red” while constantly being targeted by rocket-propelled grenades, improvised explosive devices, and sniper attacks?” asked Abdullah al-Ahmar, the secretary general of the Ba’ath Party, which has been accused of using eight-year old children as human shields by the United Nations. “It’s absurd. Of course we were going to stow the AK[-47]’s for a week or two. How long until we start fighting again? Who knows, man, who knows. This album is pretty fucking good. It’s probably the best she’s ever done.”

Opposition leaders concurred.

“Don’t get me wrong, we hate the Ba’ath Party and that ibn il qawad Bashar al-Assad, but dude, have you heard [“Red” album opener] ‘State of Grace’?” asked Syrian National Council chairman Abdulbaset Sieda. “That shit is poignant… it speaks to me. Does this mean that we’re going to start negotiating with those bala'a il a'airs on the other side? Hell no. As T-Swift would put it, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.”

© 2012