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Harvard to Remain Open Despite Severe Storm of Apathy, Depression

A Harvard professors considers the absurdity of life itself before lecturing to a Gen Ed class of uninterested students.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a controversial statement issued to the Harvard community last night over email, Dean of Administration Leslie Kirwan outlined that, despite an imminent 8-12 percent increase in faculty and administrators pondering the terrifying meaninglessness of life, the university will continue operations as usual.

“As always, the safety of our students, faculty, and staff is paramount,” wrote Kirwan. “I mean, I think so. I don’t know. We’re all going to die anyway.”

The first signs of the upcoming storm came last Friday, when Ec10b students were met with a shock in the middle of lecture. “Mankiw was up there explaining the Monetarist's view of inflation. Suddenly, his eyes glazed over, and he started hyperventilating,” recalled Danny Kobolowski ’19. “Then—I shit you not —he curled up into a ball and just rolled out of sight.”

“I’m pretty sure I heard him yell ‘NOTHING FUCKING MATTERS!’ from backstage,” added a disappointed Laura Potter ’19, who had secured a front-row seat just to get a good look at the legendary professor.

Students widely criticized the administration’s decision, citing a similar instance two years ago when nearly fifty professors showed up to class in their pajamas.

“I will admit that Pinker’s Spider-man jammies were cute,” remarked Maria Ortiz ’16. “But the cold, dead look in his eyes was anything but.”

To keep things running smoothly this time around, Harvard staff have pledged to sprinkle the sidewalks with motivational posters and bright yellow happy face stickers. 

When asked to comment on whether keeping Harvard open under such circumstances endangers the community, Dean Khurana simply shrugged his shoulders and, with a stone face, weakly replied, “Shit happens.”


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