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Student Blows Through All Two Sports Facts He Knows 30 Seconds Into Conversation

Two people talking.
Smith and Jenkins discuss the merits of the prevent defense in football.

LOWELL DINING HALL — Alex C. Smith '19 found himself at a loss on Wednesday after using up the only two sports facts he knows roughly 30 seconds into dinnertime small talk.

The painful conversation began when Lisa H. Jenkins '18 asked Smith, her former section acquaintance, whether he had caught the big game as the two waited for their grill orders.

“How ’bout those Packers, am I right?” he replied, relying on fact number one. “17-9 against the Seahawks is no easy feat.”

As Jenkins turned to look at her phone, Smith slyly pulled out fact number two. “Remember the 2006 World Series?” he asked Jenkins, searching his brain for some memory of the sporting event he watched after breaking his arm in third grade. “The Cardinals won four of those games. What a performance.”

With his grilled chicken nowhere in sight, Smith went into panic mode. “I live for the energy in a baseball stadium right after the kicker scores a goal,” he said hurriedly. “Aly Raisman is on fire right now, but she’s no Roger Federer. I love me some Dodger Dogs at a Red Wings game. Serena Williams made the sweetest double-layup last night to score the game-winning touchdown. Hockey! Deflategate! Mean Joe Greene!”

“I heard that LeBron James just won the Hoopes Prize,” he added. “So well-deserved.”

Jenkins nodded vigorously. “Sports, man,” Jenkins replied, relieved that Smith’s blubbering had saved her from needing to dig up her own three sports facts. “Nothing like 'em.”


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