BOSTON, MASS.—Reports surfaced on Monday that Tara E. Weston, a local 26-year-old, is somehow still convinced that she is going to get really hot next year.

"I just have this sense that next year is going to be my year," said Weston—who said that last year, and the year before that, and the year before that—over boozy brunch with Megan L. Patterson, her token attractive friend. “I mean, I could totally be the Neville Longbottom of the muggle world, right?”

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—Ellie R. Hampton ’18 has begun adding ~squigglies~ to her texts to her crush, giving her texts a ~cool vibe~ and indicating that she is ~not like the other girls~.

Last Monday, Hampton realized that the most effective way to give Carson T. Alberts ’18 the sense that she is ~totally laidback~ is to throw in entirely gratuitous ~squigglies~ whenever she texts him.